The Seven Stages of Relationships

A few years ago I heard a guy give a talk on the seven stages of relationship, which were so simple, yet profound. I have never forgotten those stages, and am sharing them now together with my own explanations with the hope that you will benefit from them as much as I did.

John 17:20-23
20 “I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; 21 that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. 22 And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: 23 I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me."

Jesus prayed this prayer for all believers just before he was betrayed and arrested in Gethsemane. Even as he was about to endure the cross for the sins of all humanity, his hope was that believers in the Eternal true God would be one in spirit as he and the Father are one… so that through that perfect unity, abiding in the Way, Truth and Life, the world would know that Jesus is the Messiah sent by God.

It has always been God’s desire for us to have complete whole relationships with one another and with Him so that we can truly be one in and through his Holy Spirit. That was the original intention when he created Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, and it will finally be reality in the redeemed future new world still to come.

For now, as we anticipate receiving the promise of eternal life dwelling with God, he desires those of us who have committed our lives to our Messiah Jesus to pursue oneness of relationship with Him and other believers. However, achieving that kind of depth requires humility, courage, transparency and a willingness to develop and grow through seven stages of relationship.

1. Surface

The first stage of relationship is on the surface, when we meet people in passing on the street, at the grocery store, etc. and simply say hello. We may introduce ourselves, but the surface relationship ends there.

2. Facts and reports

The second stage of relationship deals with facts and reports. These could be coworkers, acquaintances, people at church, etc. We talk about the weather, the latest news story, sports games, as well as issues of the day and that which we have in common. We usually, but not always know each other’s names, but not much else.

3. Judgments and Opinions

At this stage, relationships are formed based on commonalities: people who share the same judgments and opinions. Our common views attract us to each other, without any threat of being challenged. We feel safe in these relationships; we are not confronted to get out of our comfort zones, or change our ways due to interactions with others who think or act differently from us. It is at this stage that we find cliques who have similar interests and goals, who exclude outsiders, as well as the ‘us and them’ mentality.

4. Emotions

Relationships begin to have some depth and potential for growth at this stage because we allow ourselves to feel emotion based on the actions of another person. Emotions are essential to lasting relationships because they bond us together with another person. Indeed, God made us as emotional beings in his image; you can’t love God or another human being unless you have emotions. However, emotions can either bear positive or negative fruit, which will determine the health and deepness of the relationship. We can choose emotions that reap the fruits of the Holy Spirit, which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control, which will encourage our relationship to progress towards the next stages of relationship. However, if the relationship is bound in emotions that produce rotten roots such as hatred, anger, bitterness or jealousy, it will be very difficult to move beyond a vicious cycle that keeps a person stuck at this stage.

5. Vulnerability

This stage requires tremendous amounts of courage because there is the greatest risk of being rejected. We must be willing to be transparent about who we truly are, putting aside all facades, masks and walls, asking nothing in return and knowing that we may not be accepted. Many people are not willing to be vulnerable because the idea of letting someone in that close is too scary. We fear we will be rejected, judged or even ostracized if people knew certain aspects of ourselves, which we have kept hidden in the dark. Or perhaps we fear losing someone if we tell them how we truly feel, or what we really think. However, the more we are willing to reveal our true selves, warts and all, the greater we are able to achieve the intimacy that all of us seek.

6. Intimacy

True intimacy happens when two people are willing to be vulnerable with each other and reveal their true selves. The more we are willing to reveal, the deeper the intimacy. Although it is possible to reach intimacy with special friends with whom we have shared deep aspects of our lives, there is the greatest potential for intimacy between a husband and wife because they are both friends and lovers, and were literally made by our Creator to be one.

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

Given the unique oneness of the marriage relationship, which is a picture of the bond between Christ and His Bride, a husband and wife are able to be one in flesh and in spirit, thereby experiencing God at a deeper level than most are able to.

7. Completeness/One in Spirit

It is this stage that I believe the Lord was referring to when he prayed, “…that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me.” (John 17:21)

This is the completeness that can only be reached by a community of believers who are sold out to Jesus Christ because it is His Holy Spirit that binds us together. When we have been willing to fully commit ourselves to one another through the other six stages of relationship, and are also fully committed to Christ, we are able to live in completeness, one in the Spirit of God.

I believe the believers who were all with one accord praying and waiting on the Lord in one place had achieved this completeness of relationship, which is why they were filled with the Holy Spirit on the Day of Pentecost. I am convinced we will see this depth of relationship among groups of believers during the approaching tribulation as a testimony to the world so they may believe that Jesus is the Messiah who was sent by God to offer eternal life to the world, and who is coming back soon.